finding a community of people who measure meditation

https://cohack.org

tropes of perception

Here's the recurring chain of logic the lizard brain seems to engage in:

1. I am different so I am alone
2. I have a biological drive to connect with other people
3. Creating and maintaining connection takes work
4. Connection creates risk -- risk of loss; risk of rejection
5. Risk of loss or rejection due to my badness
6. I feel shame for my badness; I fear loss
7. I want to minimize work and minimize risk

being authentic in interactions means finding balance

Listening to someone else present authentically is a rush. It's exciting to receive. The feeling of connection is delightful.

Being authentic when interacting with another person is difficult. The skill in describing your experience is to avoid being too generic in your descriptions of your experience, while also avoiding being too specific.

As an example of an overly specific description, "my foot feels heavy." As a listener, I probably don't care that your foot feels heavy.

While the specific description of your physical experience isn't of direct interest, what I (the listener) care about is

1. what is your physical experience?
2. what is your response/reaction to that felt sense?
3. What consequence does your reaction to your own experience have on our interaction?

lessons learned from hosting a social meditation retreat at my house

Attendee behavior:

• few will register early (weeks in advance)
• some will register a week or two before the retreat
• some will register a day in advance or the day of
• some will not register (and will just show up)
• some will register, not pay, and not show up
• some will register, pay, and participate only part of the retreat
• some will register in advance, pay, then not show up

I had 22 attendees Friday evening, 13 on Saturday, and 12 on Sunday.

Due in part to the above fluctuations, I bought too much food. 

The attendee fee was $75. I thought ahead and had change (many $5) since most attendees paying cash had 4x$20. Half the attendees paid using Venmo. 

The number of (facilitators, coordinators, speakers, hosts, guests) versus number of attendees is an important ratio since costs is bore by attendees and not all will be able to pay.  With 13 participants, I collected money from 6 people.

Refunding people who had paid and then didn't participate further decreased money available for food.

The speaker was ok with any amount of money paid. After paying him $240, then $300 was requested.

first observations from attending skip the small talk

Demographics: 30+/-10 years old, mostly people who appeared to come alone (rather than as a group, with friends, or with a partner).

I found the environment too loud. About 50 people attended. Event lasted 7pm to 9:30pm.

There were parallels with speed dating, but at a slower pace and without the romantic intent.

Facilitator Announcements

• Don't speak during announcements. Repeat attendees were specifically called out as they were familiar with the structure and therefore more likely to talk during announcements.
• Thank you (the audience) for taking risk and participating with incomplete information
• Thank the owner of the space
• Thank helpers at the event
• Guidance on interacting:
• When you say or hear the phrase "I don't know" then you should wait. Give space to the speaker. This may feel awkward, but wait to see if there's more.
• Take risks in interactions - default to sharing more. That's why people signed up
• Avoid causing harm
• Pause or stop as needed (eg to go to the bathroom)
• Try saying no. No reason needed. Then the person being told no should respond with, "thanks for letting me know."
• Observation of imperfection: acknowledge your own negative response. Respond with compassion for the imperfection

Following the announcements there were three rounds of one-on-one interaction with a random self-selected individual.

One-on-one interaction (x3)

In each interaction, there was a decision that was needed -- who talks and who listens. To decide this, the facilitator provided prompts:

• Who has longer forearm?
• Who has the larger hand?

These induce physical touch. They are not sexual. They are not conventional or routine physical interactions. 

Three cycles, each with a different partner, had the following phases. 

1. Speaker speaks for three minutes; listener listens; bell sounds at 2:30 and then at 3
2. The listener asks the speaker questions that they are interested in for 3 minutes. "Ask another question" is an acceptable response
3. Roles reverse -- listener becomes speaker; 3 minutes
4. The listener asks the speaker questions that they are interested in for 3 minutes
5. Spend 5 minutes in open dialog
6. Take 5 minutes for a bathroom break and physical reseating -- find a partner for the next cycle

Prompts for the first interaction: How are you actually doing?

Prompts for each of the following two interactions: choose from one of the following

• Think of someone who loves you. Describe how they see you
• Describe the kind of person you would like to be. What things are you already doing that are consistent with that version of yourself?
• If all of your friends were to describe what you're like, what personality traits do you think most of them would agree on?
• In what ways are you different from the way that you were five years ago?
• Tell me about a time when you changed your opinion about something
• What are some things you used to be afraid of that you are no longer afraid of?
• Tell me a story about something that happened to you that changed your world view.
• In general, what sorts of things tend to be the highlight of your week?
• What are some things about yourself that you hope never change?
• Tell me about one of your role models and what is it that you admire about them
• Imagine a highlight reel of the happiest moments you've experienced in your life. Describe some of those scenes. Do you notice any patterns?
• What is your mind gravitating towards most of these days?
• What is a struggle you've experienced that you're grateful for in retrospect?

These questions are similar to the 36 questions for building intimacy.

After the first round, a verbal poll with participant eyes closed:

• Raise your hand if you shared more than you should have
• Raise your hand if you shared the right amount
• Raise your hand if you didn't share enough
• Raise your hand if your partner over shared
• Raise your hand if your partner shared the right amount
• Raise your hand if your partner didn't share enough

Closing

Green string on wrist - self reminder token

Veteran participant

Estimated 90% of participants are first timers.
Most attendees are seeking novelty and will not return again.
Why the veteran repeats the experience: for the diversity of experiences, creating relationships outside the event

questions from the veteran

• Who are you when alone? What behaviors manifest only when you're alone?
• How much sleep did you get?
• What did you last eat?

The eat and sleep questions are personal, known answer, and lead to stories

Advice from the veteran

• when to hand business card is situationally dependent
• in mixed gendered interactions, mention in passing that I have girlfriend

claim: Academics are more comfortable going deep on a topic

template for announcing a weekend retreat

The following is a template intended for announcing a weekend retreat.

Hello,

I will be hosting a weekend of social meditation <<MM-DD>> (<<DAY>>) to
<<MM-DD>> (<<DAY>>) at <<LOCATION>> in <<CITY>>, <<STATE>>. The weekend
will be led by <<name of facilitator>> (<<facilitator's website>>).

Capacity is limited so please register early.
You can register for the weekend retreat by emailing me directly
(<<EMAIL>>).

The cost of attending is expected to be $<<COST>>. If that cost makes the retreat less accessible for you, please pay what you can.
Payment will be due to me the week before the retreat.

I have Facebook event listed,
https://www.facebook.com/events/<<EVENT ID>>/, though the official
registration for the event is made by contacting me directly via email.
Please let me know in your email if you have any dietary restrictions.
Also let me know if you will need help with transportation to <<CITY>>. I will be coordinating carpooling.

Kindly,

<<HOST NAME>>

enumerating various practices of meditation

There are a variety of physical positions for your body to be in when meditating: laying down, seated on the floor, seated on a chair, standing. When you're in this position, what do you do?

• Focus on breathing
• Focus on the out breath
• Focus on the in breath
• Label thoughts
• Loving kindness
• Sensing
• Body scan