first observations from attending skip the small talk

Demographics: 30+/-10 years old, mostly people who appeared to come alone (rather than as a group, with friends, or with a partner).

I found the environment too loud. About 50 people attended. Event lasted 7pm to 9:30pm.

There were parallels with speed dating, but at a slower pace and without the romantic intent.

Facilitator Announcements

• Don't speak during announcements. Repeat attendees were specifically called out as they were familiar with the structure and therefore more likely to talk during announcements.
• Thank you (the audience) for taking risk and participating with incomplete information
• Thank the owner of the space
• Thank helpers at the event
• Guidance on interacting:
• When you say or hear the phrase "I don't know" then you should wait. Give space to the speaker. This may feel awkward, but wait to see if there's more.
• Take risks in interactions - default to sharing more. That's why people signed up
• Avoid causing harm
• Pause or stop as needed (eg to go to the bathroom)
• Try saying no. No reason needed. Then the person being told no should respond with, "thanks for letting me know."
• Observation of imperfection: acknowledge your own negative response. Respond with compassion for the imperfection

Following the announcements there were three rounds of one-on-one interaction with a random self-selected individual.

One-on-one interaction (x3)

In each interaction, there was a decision that was needed -- who talks and who listens. To decide this, the facilitator provided prompts:

• Who has longer forearm?
• Who has the larger hand?

These induce physical touch. They are not sexual. They are not conventional or routine physical interactions. 

Three cycles, each with a different partner, had the following phases. 

1. Speaker speaks for three minutes; listener listens; bell sounds at 2:30 and then at 3
2. The listener asks the speaker questions that they are interested in for 3 minutes. "Ask another question" is an acceptable response
3. Roles reverse -- listener becomes speaker; 3 minutes
4. The listener asks the speaker questions that they are interested in for 3 minutes
5. Spend 5 minutes in open dialog
6. Take 5 minutes for a bathroom break and physical reseating -- find a partner for the next cycle

Prompts for the first interaction: How are you actually doing?

Prompts for each of the following two interactions: choose from one of the following

• Think of someone who loves you. Describe how they see you
• Describe the kind of person you would like to be. What things are you already doing that are consistent with that version of yourself?
• If all of your friends were to describe what you're like, what personality traits do you think most of them would agree on?
• In what ways are you different from the way that you were five years ago?
• Tell me about a time when you changed your opinion about something
• What are some things you used to be afraid of that you are no longer afraid of?
• Tell me a story about something that happened to you that changed your world view.
• In general, what sorts of things tend to be the highlight of your week?
• What are some things about yourself that you hope never change?
• Tell me about one of your role models and what is it that you admire about them
• Imagine a highlight reel of the happiest moments you've experienced in your life. Describe some of those scenes. Do you notice any patterns?
• What is your mind gravitating towards most of these days?
• What is a struggle you've experienced that you're grateful for in retrospect?

These questions are similar to the 36 questions for building intimacy.

After the first round, a verbal poll with participant eyes closed:

• Raise your hand if you shared more than you should have
• Raise your hand if you shared the right amount
• Raise your hand if you didn't share enough
• Raise your hand if your partner over shared
• Raise your hand if your partner shared the right amount
• Raise your hand if your partner didn't share enough

Closing

Green string on wrist - self reminder token

Veteran participant

Estimated 90% of participants are first timers.
Most attendees are seeking novelty and will not return again.
Why the veteran repeats the experience: for the diversity of experiences, creating relationships outside the event

questions from the veteran

• Who are you when alone? What behaviors manifest only when you're alone?
• How much sleep did you get?
• What did you last eat?

The eat and sleep questions are personal, known answer, and lead to stories

Advice from the veteran

• when to hand business card is situationally dependent
• in mixed gendered interactions, mention in passing that I have girlfriend

claim: Academics are more comfortable going deep on a topic